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I am BEYOND excited to have a special guest contribution from the magnificent Corey Paxton. Having been married for over 19 wonderful years and partnering with his amazing wife Danielle, they have been making history and raising three beautiful daughters over the last couple of decades. I asked him if he would be willing to answer the following question: If I could travel back in time, knowing what I know now, what would I tell my younger self before I was married?
Since Josiah asked us to reflect on what we’ve learned in our 16 years of marriage and what we would say to our 23 year-old selves, I think I could write a book about everything I’ve learned! Some things you can only learn by experience, but I hope some of our experiences can help others in their journeys to learn how to love each other. I believe the mysterious process of two people becoming one is the greatest gift and greatest challenge in my life….and totally worth it! I wouldn’t trade the hard lessons I’ve learned and life I share with Danielle for anything. Here are a few things I wish I could talk to my 23 year old self about (although I’m not sure he would have listened”.
Make sure to take the plank out of your eye before you help with her specks…
‘Corey, you trust Jesus, but you need to trust Jesus with your wife’s journey with Jesus. You will fight the temptation to think, ‘if she would change, our relationship would be better.’ This thinking will get you no where. Yes, your wife has specks in her eye that keep her from seeing clearly, but don’t’ forget your job is to take the plank out of your own eye. Look at yourself first. Let Jesus’ love and grace into your mistakes. Take down your defenses. Be quick to admit your mistakes rather than trying to prove to her why you are good. The more you try to fix, change, or sermonize yourself or your wife, the farther you get away from the love and intimacy with God and your wife you really want.
Make sure she is with you before you run ahead…
You need to laugh at yourself here. You actually moved so fast after you said “I do” that you pulled your wife down the aisle. Don’t believe. Look at the pictures. This is something that you will continue to do and I want to urge you to SLOW DOWN. Enjoy walking with your wife rather than trying to pull her ahead of where she is. Ask good questions. Listen. Get to know her perspective and validate it even when you don’t agree. Make sure you are really together on big decisions and that she feels the freedom to be completely honest. It will be way better if you slow down and enjoy the journey together, even when it feels uncomfortably slow.
Be more honest about your vulnerabilities….you will like you more and so will she…
You grew up thinking you needed to be a hero. You like to care for other people’s problems. I mean, you became a pastor. Being honest about your own problems, needs, and vulnerabilities is hard for you, but is really important. You will be tempted to think that she won’t like (or love) you if she really knows the real you. You need to face the fear that you will be rejected and unwanted if you are really human. It’s a lie from the pit of hell and on the other side of this lie is the truth of love that only vulnerable humans can share together. Give her the freedom to be who she really is and trust that she will love you as you stop trying to be her hero. I mean, there is only one Hero that can meet our deepest needs, and you aren’t Him.